Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Food Too Mainstream For Freelance Artist

   A freelance artist in South Wales has been found dead after refusing to eat food or drink water after it was feared to be too 'mainstream'. Sylvia Quentin had reportedly announced that she 'would never conform to what is expected of [me]' which she qualified by saying that 'I believe that life imitates art and not the other way round' and 'the idea of eating is too routine, stale and orthodox, my body naturally rejects such things'. Miss.Twat  claimed that for her to have eaten it would have been tantamount to 'putting up scaffolding around a canvas'.

 Doctors in Sunderland Hospital and working alongside a team of Senior Film Lecturers  to ensure that such a 'unelegant' hunger strike is unable to occur again.

It was in actual fact Sylvia's parents who first noticed how destructive 'Slyvia's excessive, hedonistic and terminally pretentious lifestyle' was becoming after Sylvia began to donate limbs over the social media site ''. Her parents became concerned last year that this lifestyle, which 'seemed to be an endless cycle of feminist theory, counter cultural references and quill swapping', was taking over Sylvia's life and her parents admitted that 'they felt like they had lost their daughter to Aphex Twin'. In a harrowing interview on ITV's DaySmash Mr and Mrs.Quentin broke down in tears after confessing that 'we could handle the essays, the limb donations and even the  deconstructionist dubstep electronic music affective disorder' but the final straw was when 'Sylvia would refuse to sit on 'conformist' chairs in public and would begin to intermittently urinate on pensioners in public places because 'no one would expect it'. Sylvia's parents confessed that an opportunity for Slyvia to 'subvert expectations' became a 'driving force for life' but one that became detrimental to 'our daughters health when she attempted to digest cutlery at dinner parties because 'they won't expect this', play the fire extinguisher until the early hours and 'ironically participating in gay pride'. As a team of qualified health workers desperately search for subversive communist literature for the earlier part of the century alongside the box set of Jean Luc Goddard in order to facilitate the recovery process Sylvia's parents can only sit tight, pray and hope that one day her daughter will conform before it is too late.

Tories Announce 'Art-a-Tax' welfare reform


   In an unprecedented U-turn on the government's welfare proposals, David Cameron announced earlier this morning that the current plans to impose a bedroom tax only on those household receiving less than a reasonable income was 'unjust' because it detracted the public's gaze away from the 'hateful' and 'intolerable' sites of artistic expression in the UK, namely 'cinemas, art galleries, book clubs and music production studios' which Cameron expressed as 'detrimental to national unity'. With a landslide majority in the House Of Commons, Parliament ruled in favour of an abolishing bedroom tax in favour of 'Art-a-Tax' which sets out to tax anythin that could 'insight hateful and unprovoked expressions of artistic temperant 'which Mr.Canvas asserted 'demonstrates a direct link to knife crime within youth culture in Britain'.

The Government hopes that 'Art-a-Tax' will reinforce the   values of a traditional sense of community in those deprived areas of the U.K where 'artistic expression is in more places than the average citizen can imagine'.

 A lovingly hand-crafted assortment of advertising has helped to stress the importance of 'Art-a-Tax'. 

The UHAE group (United against Homosexuality and Artistic Expression)  has been a long-standing investor in projects that 'will help iron out unwanted creases in the fabric of society' and has offered to fully fund the project. Cameron admitted that he was 'most humbled' by such an offer and he would 'gratefully accept any help in fixing Broken Britain'. In a recent interview with Nick Clegg and David Cameron on ITV's This Morning Mr.Cameron was able to express his concern over 'what seems to me, to be an unflinching torrent of artistic endeavor' and admits fear over the prospect of 'a child casting aside a copy of The Daily Mail in favour of crayons'. As the interview progressed both Mr.Clegg and Mr.Cameron argued that 'if such artistic growth does not cease to grow, we may very well see an advent of university courses offering degrees in such trivial subject matters such as 'film studies', 'cultural studies' or something equally destructive. 

The governments proposals are in their final stages and hopefully the project will be successfully assimilated into the Big Society's inception during the early months of 2014. 

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Retail staff have too many rights says Ministry of Justice

 Service with a Scowl

 A recent survey conducted by the office of National Statistic, funded by the Ministry of Justice, has revealed that customer service jobs are falling so far below expected standards that they are affecting the mental and physical health of paying customers. Medical research conducted by Newcastle University found that the stress of bad customer service has lead to coronary heart failure, diabetes, strokes, pneumonia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Poor standards of customer service has also been attributed to the rise in mental health problems including Bi-polar depression, ADHD and to defective disorders in the serotonin uptake section of the brain. This has been particularly the case in areas of the North Of England where customers service assistants are much more primitive and fail to process complex information.
Sometimes it's hard to spot the difference in our current crisis between this...
...and this

A spokesman from Citizen's advice referenced William Blake in an interview with as she told them that customer service was like 'like being told to smile as you are being forced, like Jesus, to carry the cross through the streets of Nazareth whilst being whipped and scolded by roman soldiers'. This interview came after a retail assistant in a well established coffee shop on the high street underwent a stroke after being asked to serve a decaf espresso. The employee's behavior reached an all new low after, having  reached breaking point, casued by a series of complaints about store cleanliness,the employee had to be escorted away from the store by Northumbria Police. This occurred as a result of the disgraced employee tried to take his own life with the non-vegetarian knife 'to avoid cross contamination' as he later explained to police. After trying to shave his own face with a cheese-grater, 'deepthroating' a steam arm and planning to sit in the fridges 'David Blaine Style' the supervisor called the police who, after he had cleared a table, escorted the loathsome [anonymous] out of the store and into a cell'. The company apologized to the customer who had been served by [anonymous] at the time of the incident and assured them that 'the matter was being dealt with internally. We do not permit any of our employees to produce tears on shift and we will make an example out of this particular case'.

Do not always be  fooled by the smiles. 

  One may ask in our tough economic times, why people in the lowest paid jobs have suddenly assumed that they have a voice in public affairs. The greatest tragedy is perhaps beset upon UK job seekers who are stuggling to gain employment in the customer service sector that houses employees that are, arguably, abusing their own sense of privilege. Proceeding Generation X,  is 'Generation Y' if we are to believe the label appropriated by contemporary culture critics and social scientists whose iShouldget's and iWantitnow's of the millenial decade and that disrepectful value system is being exemplified by those working in customer service. There have been numerous cases of employees literally assuming that their salary, opinion and personal interests should be acknowledged by their respective companies. In this shocking statement by the MP for Human Rights, Mr. [anonymous] confessed to having identified a rise in 'cases where employees had used multiple personal pronouns such as 'I' 'we' as well as a record number of emotive verbs such as 'we feel that' in disciplinary processes. Mr. [anonymous] ended his tear jerking confession by offering a closing remark that 'if we are to stop people in the lowest paid jobs from expressing their destructive opinions, personality and individuality we must introduce harsher penalties before anarchy ensues and that Orwellian nightmare that is 'Animal Far' becomes a reality'. Reinforcing such fears, Miss.Reactionary of The Daily Mail has expressed her own personal fears over terroism as she asks us to 'serioulsy consider how destructive the attitudes of theese employees are when we consider the threat of terrorism' as she expresses concerns that 'if we reward such loathsome behavior it is tantamount to not combating terrorism'. Miss.Reactionary later added that 'if we were all civil to those dole scrounging scum that I have to wade through on my way to work then the whole country would be suffering a recession. We should be encouraging people to attend university and learn the real value of money rather than flagrantly pouring money into nonsense schemes. The scheme referenced by Miss.Reactionary is surely the 'collegue reward scheme that survived a short period of success until HM Revenue and Customs infiltrated it's illicit operating quarters below sea level and arrested the chief coordinating officer. Perhaps the most poignant articulation of fear over the threat of employee's rights came from Jeremy Clarkson who warned us that 'as soon as we gave Hitler the power to become Chancellor, peace surrender itself to fear, war and bloodshed and it is our moral obligation not to let this happen in the UK. Stop these colleague reward schemes before we all pay the price of more than just one pasty'.  

It's time to tackle this...
...before we reach this...

   A separate incident in East London involved a customer service assistant in a Gregg's sealing herself inside an oven using polyfill. [Anonymous] had prepared post it notes which she attached to the oven door some of which read 'If she wanted brown bread she should have just  asked' and 'here's hoping there is only one till in heaven'. A distressed team in store responded to the tragedy by evacuating the store in order to locate the customer and reassure her that more multigrain bread was being ordered soon. Gregg's head office successfully resolved the customer complaint as they offered the distraught customer a years supply of tax-free pasties and a copy of the employes letter of resignation for emotional closure. The employee, who had to be delivered via a JCB to the disciplinary as she was still in the oven, was accused of gross misconduct after risking the health and well-being of a paying customer. Gregg's head office reminded [annonymous] that it was the customer who was at the heart of the business and not, despite protests from the employee, her own heart, that was the focal point of the process.

I must ask all readers stop the escalation of human rights for those working in customer service before customer feel that they are no longer able to exploit retail assistants. Please sign out petition to deploy the government's policy to provide each new starter in retail jobs with a provisional roll of duck tape for their mouths.


Monday, 10 December 2012

  Art Student Looses Beret in Freak Accident at Train Station

   An Art Student from Newcastle Upon Tyne has spoken out about the trauma of loosing her beret for 127 hours during a routine trip to her parents' country manor in Somerset. Miss. Creme Brulee, now undertaking an intensive CBT rehabilitation therapy course alongside attending a voluntary support group called Bring Your Own Beret, is said to be making a steady recovery after the loss her her beret in 2011. 

    In June 2011 Creme left her beret on a train from Newcastle to London and she was incredibly unstable at the time  of the accident. Days after the accident, struggling to string a sentence together, Creme harrowingly discussed her ordeal at length in her online web blog stating 'Yar'  how 'one moment I was sitting on a train, studying the rain in relation to post-modernist aestheticism in the 18th century from Dickens to Wilde with a particular focus on wallpaper, and the next moment I was going into anapalectic shock on the platform  after I realised what was happening. It was horrific. As soon as the cold sting of the wind bristled it's sinister fingers across my hair I felt the cold sting of death flow through my veins." Creme's parents described the scene as "deeply upsetting" because they "knew what was going on and yet felt powerless to protect their daughter from the pain and fear". Mr.Brulee told us that "for us, we felt we were loosing our first born child. It was as is she had been possessed by an exterior force of evil, much like The Exorcist". 

   After the emergency services arrived on the platform Creme was carried into an ambulance and quickly driven to the emergency department in A and E. The paramedic team were able to attach a paintbrush and coffee carton into Cremes "cold, lifeless hands" in a desperate aid to restore blood flow in the patient. The fire service were able to charitably offer a helmet as a provisional measure for Creme but physical contact with the helmet induced vomiting  nausea and violent shaking.  

This is Creme's self-potrait she  drew during therapy expressing her subjective state of being as she left the train without her beret. Property of NHS Mental Health Service.
   East Coast Travel claimed that "tragedy besets us all once in a while we would like to extent our greatest sympathy to the parents of  this poor girl." and the managing director of the company added that "for this to happen within one of our premises is more than unfortunate, it is devastating for us. We want to offer the Brulee's unlimited travel and assured them that the station will be closed until a thorough search for the missing beret has been completed". 

   The Beret Victims Unit has reportedly been inundated with similar accidents within the last six months and have been working around the clock to reconstruct the original beret. At the time, the department is said to have provided Creme with a provisional beret, but after Creme found out that the production of that beret was partly public funded and had been attached to other, less artistic, patients she again went into shock. The department has said that "we do not consider this a setback, but a challenge" adding that "for us, the money, time or pomposity does not come into it. We put the patient first".The department's heroic efforts have earned them the 'outstanding contribution to triviality" award. David Cameron has praised the department, reminding us that 'we cannot have hooded youths walking the streets and therefore I cannot stress the importance of beret-wearing eccentrics. They comprise an integral component of our society's moral ethics. Our health minister is implementing plans to cut NHS funding alongside public transport organisations in order to focus on fashion departments in academic institutions". The Center For Life in Newcastle has also been developing strategies to ensure berets can rest upon the heads of customers without posing any health risks. In the closing statements from her interview Creme's parents said that "we would like to express our eternal gratitude for all the external organisations that helped us get our daughter, and her beret, back to us. In our darkest hours in the grieving process we had nightmarish paranoid delusions that we may have to send our only daughter on a different degree course such as nursing which would mean Creme would loose almost all control over what she wears.". 

Christopher, a cyborg. What a load of Maloney!


   The X-Factor has dominated our television sets for the last six weeks, and whilst viewing figures have seen a dramatic decrease since last year, the show has sustained a majority of ITV's viewing audience. However things have taken a turn for the worst for The X Factor. The show, and by extension, the profit-driven entrepreneur Simon Cowell, have come under media speculation after police recovered  'robotic valves, steam arms and CPU chips' from the home of Liverpudlian contestant Christopher Maloney. The pieces aroused suspicion with officers after they were all encased in a dressing of artificial human skin. As police took the 24 year old  singer from Liverpool in for questioning detectives unearthed yet more robotic parts disguised as human limbs' from Christopher Maloney's dressing room in the X Factor studios.

    The investigation, orchestrated by Manchester Metropolitan Police lead Cowell to indignantly assert in a news conference that 'the security deployed within ITV studios must be re-evaluated' and Cowell called for 'a new set of security strategies to be put in place to prevent cyborgs created by the BBC to pass the first auditions in the talent show'. Shortly after the statement Sgt. James Goldsmith of Manchester released this statement "The overwhelming amount of evidence recovered during the investigation has forced my team to conclude that the Liverpudlian contestant must have his British passport revoked because, by definition, cyborg's are not permitted to occupy U.K residences".

   The police would like to extend their thanks towards the show's producers who became suspicious about Christopher's erratic emotional states that seemed to bear little or no relation to the situation his was placed. Judged Tulisa reportedly expressed her concerns to fellow judge Gary Barlow after Christopher's first audition as she whispered to Gary " I think the electronic equipment is affecting him, every time the camera turns to him he becomes a nervous wreck, ostensibly on the verge of a nervous breakdown with tears falliFng from his face yet". Gary had apparently concurred on the matter as he told the Manchester Evening News Team "Christopher acted suspiciously after the camera was turned off, it was as if we were all sat in Madame Tussauds after a complete whirlwind of emotion". Gary added that "once we got him through the live finals and it was as if the emotion CPU has short circuited altogether". The investigation is still pending with no more evidence being presented to the prosecution crown court as of yet.

Upon discovering the news fellow contestants felt scared, vulnerable and paranoid about the competition posed by the tonal range of a cyborg
Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw has confessed to "notorious difficultly in trying to get Christopher to follow a script after he came into close contact with the equipment because Christopher's tears were so excessive they presented a threat to health and safety around electrical devices."  .

***This article is entirely fictional. It is an informal critique of Christopher Malone's behaviour on the show and my sole aim to entertain. I have absolutely no hostility towards any people, organisations or groups mentioned here; they are merely vehicles for comedy and creative licence.***


Sunday, 9 December 2012

Batman Begins Anger Managment

 Nolan's finds cure for Bale Anger in 'Batman Begins'

 The first part of the the trilogy 'Batman Begins' could be read as Beginners Guide to Overdoing the extreme long shot of the landscape as a metaphor of interior states of being...for dummies. Christopher Nolan has clearly been suffering from a multiple identity disorder that seems to occur as soon as he makes contact with the camera, in this case Nolan seems to be suffering from the old 'I am Ang Lee and this is Brokeback Mountain' approach to cinematography in the depiction Bruce Wayne's childhood. Perhaps the only positive outcome of this stylistic approach is that it keep Bale at a safe distance, less dialogue and more poetic long shots of his struggle to overcome his fears in the open countryside inhabited by The League Of Shadows. A cynic may even suggest that the anger radiating from within Bale interferes with the circuirtry of the filming equipment and Bale Calm Levels must be reduced before any close ups are used. Perhaps the hallucinogenic drug used by The League Of Shadows was not a prop, but an aromatic blend of sedatives, anesthetic and anti-psychotic medication safety stored in the health and safety on site box...just in case it's 'time to bale'.

Bale in one of many of the British New Wave films released during the 1960's that deployed locations often as a signifier of the self. This particular film, set in Salford, adopts a fetishistic approach to Manchester's landscape and many academics such as John Hill have argued for the foregrounding of space and place over the story. 

  In one interview Liam Neeson has been recorded as having been 'absolutely sick of what I felt to be constantly sedating an actor that at times bore a striking resemblance to an aggressive ape being forcefully separated from it's mother. At times I genuinely felt for him, but the anger issues made our professional working relationship somewhat of a... compromising position for me' 

  Not all the cast had the patience of Neeson....

...which is understandable when one considers how Bale reacts to the ideas of other during the process of production.